Meng Huo's Last Stand
by Aquatic-Idealist
Summary: The King of the Nanmans has been beaten six times by the great Zhuge Liang, but this ruler now has a trick up his sleeve...
1. Those Sly Barbarians

Meng Huo's Last Stand

Chapter 1: Those Sly Barbarians

"That coward! Always using treachous ways to defeat me. I, King Meng Huo of the Nanman tribes, cannot accept these defeats. Who is Zhuge Liang, anyways? A pedantic bookworm, that's all! I can crush him with my bare hands!" Meng Huo growled.

The entire assembly of Nanman tribesmen began to cheer at their King's statement. For months now, the Namnan forces were being defeated at the hands of Prime Minister Zhuge Liang of Shu. Now, with King Wutugu of a friendly tribe by his side, King Meng Huo hoped to take out Zhuge Liang once and for all.

Dalai Dongzhu began to speak: "My lord, what is it that you plan to do? Forgive thy servant's words, but words are merely words, until they are met by deeds."

"Ah, no wonder why you are my strategist. Yes, I've thought of this for some time, and I've come up with a plan. The idiot Zhuge Liang, instead of pushing us to the west, has instead forced us to go south. Tell me, Master Daili, what is to our south?"

"Thailand, my lord." (1.)

"Exactly. Meng You, brother, get over here!"

Meng You stepped forward: "Yes, brother?"

"Here are the terms for a trading agreement with the nation of Thailand. Please deliver these terms and convince the King to accept them. If you fail, well, I won't punish you, because I'll be dead." Meng Huo ordered.

"Wait a minute..." Meng You read the paper and his eyes widened. "What? No one deserves to have that used against them, not even that wretch Zhuge Liang!" He gasped.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures." Meng Huo nodded gloomily.

"My lord, you are quite shrewd, but will the people of Shu forgive you for such an act?" Daili Dongzhu spoke.

"Master, I do not plan to conquer Shu, so I could care less about what they think about me. My dream is to have us Nanmans live in our own land, without some annoying Chinese foes taunting and pelting us daily. We Nanmans can live with dignity again if I use this ploy. Master, do you support me?" Meng Huo asked.

"Good king, with your shrewd plan, the Shu forces shall be finished!" Dailai Dongzhu laughed.

"What kind of plan has my comrade brewed this time?" King Wutugu wondered.

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1. I seriously have no idea where Meng Huo's territory is located, but for the context of this fic, let us say that it is due north of Thailand. I know that I might be geographically incorrect, but this is a fanfic, so please forgive this major (or minor) inaccuracy.


	2. I think I smell something

Chapter 2: I think I smell something...

"General Zhao Yun, enemy soldiers are coming closer." Zhang Yi observed.

"Nothing... Just... Wutugu..." Wei Yen spoke.

"King Wutugu? I could kick his arse in less than ten seconds. Just watch me." Ma Chao snickered. (1.)

King Wutugu marched forward, and saw the famous Shu generals. "Hmn, so you guys are stupid enough to challenge me. Alright, bring it on!" Wutugu shouted.

Ma Chao charged forward.

At that moment, arrows flew from both sides and stabbed into Ma Chao's sides. The warrior screamed and fell on the ground.

"Ma... Chao... Defeated?" Wei Yen turned to Zhao Yun.

"It would seem so..." Zhao Yun sighed.

"Hah, you thought I was so stupid, did you? Yeah, it's not honorable, but I'm a barbarian, and Kongming would do the same thing. You've been beat, Shu curs!" Wutugu laughed.

"That's it..." Zhao Yun glared and raised his spear.

"C'mon!" Wutugu taunted.

Zhao Yun charged forward and swung his spear. It was Wutugu's time to scream for his mother...

After being beaten, Wutugu's troops still ran forward and engaged the enemy. This gave the beaten Wutugu enough time to flee to Meng Huo.

"I took down Ma Chao, but Zhao Yun got me."

"You took out Ma Chao, sweet. Zhao Yun beats up everybody, so don't take it personally..." Meng Huo sighed.

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It actually took some time for the Shu troops to take out the Nanman forces that were under Wutugu. But before Zhao Yun could proceed, Dalai Dongzhi set up pitfalls, trapping the Shu soldiers. After falling into pitfalls for an entire week, Zhao Yun finally was able to march close to the Nanman position.

Meanwhile, Meng Huo received a package from Meng You. In it, he received a letter: "The Thai are letting us borrow 1,000 of the stuff you requested. They did this because they are soiling themselves in the belief that, after we get beaten, Shu will go after them." (2.)

"Excellent, ready the catapults!" Meng Huo roared at his men.

"Is it just me, or do these packages smell?" A Nanman soldier asked Dailai Dongzhi.

"They smell." The strategist acknowledged.

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1. Yeah, yeah, I know that Ma Chao was not taken in the Southern Expedition, but heck, you gotta admit it, Ma Dai so pwns Ma Chao. Thus, Ma Dai is taking his place while the Beautiful General can take on the Nanmans.

2. If you are Thai, please do not be offended. Zhuge Liang back then would have conquered the world in the name of the Han. If he beat the Nanmans, what makes you think he would not go for any other nation?  



	3. Beware!

Chapter 3: Beware!

"We... Are... Almost... There..." Wei Yen spoke.

"Great. We'll kick these Nanmans into next week and go back home." Ma Chao licked his wounded hand.

"Alright, be ready to engage the enemy." Zhao Yun announced.

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"Catapults, ready..." Dailai Dongzhi shouted.

"Ammo prepared!" A Nanman soldier yelled.

"Lord Meng Huo, the enemy is within firing distance!" A scout screamed.

"FIRE!" Meng Huo bellowed.

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"Do you smell that?" Ma Chao turned to Wei Yan.

"No... Aw... Crap..." Wei Yen looked at the sky.

Large spiky objects fell upon the Shu soldiers. On contact with the Shu armor and weapons, they split apart.

"That... Smell!" Wei Yan gagged. He turned his horse and fled.

Ma Chao was hit in the face by a DURIAN, and fell on the ground.

The Shu soldiers, stunned by the Durian's hideous odor, screamed and began to run around in circles. They were quickly overrun by their Nanman counterparts.

"Like Lord Meng You said... They didn't deserve this..." A barbarian soldier remarked.

"Yes, but we win. That's what counts." Meng Huo laughed.

Zhao Yun was forced to retreat, as his soldiers could no longer fight.

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"Zhao Yun, you smell like dog feces." Zhuge Liang pointed out when the General arrived at headquarters.

"My lord, these Nanmans have a powerful weapon that took out my entire unit." Zhao Yun bowed his head.

"Spikes... Hurt... Smell... Worse..." Wei Yan muttered. (1)

"What are you mumbling about? Besides, I am the great Zhuge Liang. None can resist my wrath. To arms, men, we're going to crush the Nanmans!" Kongming yelled.

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"Reloading the Durians!" A Nanman soldier declared.

"Sir, we've spotted more Shu troops. The Sleeping Dragon is among them." A scout shouted.

"My lord, you know what to do." Dailai Dongzhi smirked.

"FIRE!" Meng Huo laughed out loud.

"What the?!" Zhang Yi groaned as the Durians fell upon the troops.

Once again, the Shu troops were in a panic. Even Zhuge Liang's elite guards were crinkling their noses, and soon, they began to run for it.

"I am Zhuge Liang! I cannot be outwitted! I...!" Zhuge Liang was hit on the head by a Durian, and blacked out.

He came to on a field, surrounded by Nanman troops. "No... HOW COULD I LOSE?!" Kongming cried. Meng Huo smiled and advanced towards him.

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"ZHUGE LIANG WAS DEFEATED?!" Jiang Wei and Liu Bei yelled at the same time.

"Yes..." Wei Yan bowed his head.

"Where's Zhao Yun?!" Liu Bei demanded.

"Taking... Shower..." Wei Yan groaned.

Liu Bei raised his eyebrows: "Shower?"

"I... Mean... Playing... In... Lake..." Wei Yan rolled his eyes.

"Oh... But you smell like dung." Liu Bei pointed out.

Wei Yan smiled: "I... Know..."

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Liu Bei and Meng Huo were sitting in Liu Bei's glorious palace. Meng Huo was feasting himself on the mounds of food Liu Bei used to appease him.

"King, will you return Zhuge Liang to Shu?"

"Sure, on several conditions."

"Go on."

"From now on, Shu cannot attack Nanman territory."

"Ok."

"A straight line shall be drawn horizantally from the point one mile south of Chengdu all the way to the Wu border. All territory north of this line is Shu's. All territory south of it is Nanman territory."

"What?!"

"Thirdly, Meng Huo shall forever be known as the strategist who outwitted Zhuge Liang."

"EH?!" Liu Bei was about to faint.

"It's worth it." Jiang Wei muttered in his ear.

"Ok." Liu Bei nodded.

"Nice doing business with you." Meng Huo smiled.

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From then on, Meng Huo was known as the master strategist who defeated Zhuge Liang. The Kingdom of Shu lost a large amount of territory to the Nanman tribes, and Chengdu was always in alert, since Nanman troops were so close.

Meng Huo also received his own proverb: "Meng Huo buys Durians." (2) This meant that in times of desparation, one can do ingenious things. From then on, no one dared to despise the Nanmans again. After Zhuge Liang's death, Sima Zhao conquered Shu and went for the Nanmans, and he succeeded in conquering them.

Why, you ask? Because the Durians all rotted by then, and they forgot to get more from Thailand!

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1. What is a Durian, you ask? It is a fruit native to Southeast Asia. It is known to be extremely smelly, but it is also DELICIOUS! Thus, it works out just fine, if you have the courage to brave the smell and eat it.

2. Every important person to the Chinese in the Three Kingdoms era has either a proverb or some important saying associated with them. Sorry, Ling Tong, but you ain't got none! 


End file.
